You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize