You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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