He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
