Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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