Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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