honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dick very happy bro
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
