Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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