You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
