tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
