Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
