Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She announced her abortion via fbk
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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