On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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