I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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