Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize