party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
