I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
