Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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