I wanna bring you to show and tell
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
