I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize