and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
