So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize