i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
