I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
