can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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