Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
