The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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