He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
