I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
