Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize