no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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