You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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