I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize