I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Randomize
