Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
