Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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