My first STD was from a foam party
I need help removing her.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
