The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
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