I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize