The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
