I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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