There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
