you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
