This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
