what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
