She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
