Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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