I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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