i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
