in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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