He asked to "fluff my boner.."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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