I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
