i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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