then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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