I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
