This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
