You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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