I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
