it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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